After years of taking a cholesterol-lowering drug with side effects that are worse than death itself, I made the decision to stop the drug to see if I would either be free of painful side effects, or have my arteries plug up like a bus station toilet.
Oh no, youre not, the wife said when she heard of my plan. You need to stay on your meds so I can keep you around for at least five more years, or until I lose a little weight. I am not ready to date at my current, um, density.
But I cant tolerate these side effects, constant muscle aches and pains to the point that cartwheels are totally out of the question.
Whats a few muscle aches? Hey, at least your side effects dont include dizziness, vomiting and anal leakage.
Excellent point, I said. But Im still quitting those meds.
Well, the wife said, Let me do a little research and see what I can find out about how to lower cholesterol without medication. And with that, she went to the computer to do some research.
Thank you, dear. And I better not see you working on your Tinder profile.
Fine. Youre no fun.
After an hour or so the wife came to me with a new plan. Sitting next to me on the sofa with the laptop on her, well, lap (so thats why they call it that), she said, It looks like a Mediterranean diet would be perfect for lowering your cholesterol.
Perfect, Ill book a 60-day Mediterranean cruise, I said.
Not going to happen. We are both going to consume healthy foods like legumes, avocados, nuts, fish, whole grains and fruits.
Hey, Im a hunter, not a gatherer. Wheres the beef?
There is no beef, she said. No red meat, only fish and poultry.
I pondered. I pondered long and hard. And then I thought about the days of care-free cartwheeling and I said, Alright, lets do this.
Oh honey, the wife said all a-titter. I cant believe youre agreeing to do this. I promise Ill delete my Tinder profile. We are going to lower your cholesterol for sure and maybe even decrease our densities too. Who knows? Maybe youll last another 10 years.
Since the first of the year the wife has made amazing Mediterranean meals that are absolutely delicious. We have cut out all red meat and sugar. Its not an easy diet in terms of preparation. But fortunately the wife loves to research new recipes, and enlists my help in the kitchen to prepare meals. Im an excellent chopper, if I do say so myself.
The jury is still out on whether my cholesterol has gone down, but at least I know Im eating a much healthier diet. But the biggest plus is no more muscle aches, dizziness, vomiting or anal leakage.
Raul Ascunce is a freelance columnist for the Sentinel-Tribune. He may be contacted at RaulAscunce@gmail.com.
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